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I've been thinking a lot about testosterone this week, and feeling more positively about it than I have for a long time. One of the things i tried to say to my therapist last week is that it feels very inappropriate for people to try to push me toward testosterone to deal with mental illness (working again off the idea that my mood was better when I was on T, and I didn't injure). She said that actually T is sometimes used for cis men for depression, and something about that felt like relief. I dislike medications in general. I think there always comes a time when I want to believe I am better, go off, and find that I am emphatically not. With anti-depressants, it historically has taken a few years between attempts. Seems fitting that it would be the same with T.

There are other fears here, too, which I am having a hard time placing. That it won't make things better and I will be broken forever. That it will make things better and I will have to learn how to be whole. Part of me is afraid of what it means for injury. A lot of what injury is doing right now is helping me to contain things. The motion I find myself making when talking about how injury feels is of wrapping something in paper and putting it into a box. That's the way it feels. That something is being carefully preserved [and put away for later. I do not understand why i just started crying and hyperventilating i do not understand wh y i just had to amke the decision that i don't know how to have panic attacks anymore. because I have forgotten how to do that silently, and it would have oto be silent since i already let out a huge wracking sobbing gasp]

[it is because what if injry is the only thing keeping things carefully sealed up and preserved and without it, with T, I have to feel things insted.]


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